Following on from my last post which detailed our daily routine, I thought I'd write another that goes into a bit more detail about how we as a family juggle having a preschooler and a newborn. When Tommy was tiny (even only a few months old) hubby suggested the idea of having another baby, but it was only until Tommy turned 2 that I would even entertain the idea. Before that, the idea terrified me; just one was tricky enough. I didn't want two in nappies and I didn't want to have to buy a double buggy. Tommy was also reaching "the terrible twos" and I wasn't sure what delights that would bring. I was also enjoying spending time with my little boy ad just making the most of it.
I had always thought I'd have my children quite close together but whenever the subject came up, I found I just wasn't as ready for another child as I thought I'd be. When Tommy was two and a half, we decided then might be a good time to try for another. Our 'big' boy was toilet-trained and he could feed and dress himself, all of which would make it much easier when another baby arrived.
Despite all this, when I did become pregnant, I became really anxious that the age gap between our children would be too large, we'd waited too long, that they wouldn't be close to one another. Looking back now, it seems ridiculous. This was what I had wanted and now I was regretting the choice I'd made. There is no such thing as a perfect age gap between children. It is what is perfect for each individual family. Do you get all the nappies and toddler tantrums out of the way in a couple of years? Or do you wait until one child is relatively self-sufficient and able to help you with looking after a new baby? Even if you decide on what sort of age gap you'd like to have between your children, it can't always be guaranteed.
I do sometimes think it would have been nice to have two children closer together because then it can be easier to find activities they can enjoy together. But then again, newborns are very limited in what they can do anyway, so what does it matter whether there is an age gap of one or five years anyway? There are always going to be times when activities will have to be done on a 1:1 basis, because it's not possible for both children to be involved in the same activity. This 1:1 time is extremely important; all children, regardless of their age, need some time alone with their parents.
In my previous post, I detailed my struggle with providing this 1:1 time with my children, particularly with Tommy. Neither of my children have been particularly good at being on their own as babies. They've always needed constant reassurance, lots of cuddles, lots of comfort feeds and lots of attention. They haven't been babies you could leave in a bouncer, chair or playmat for more than 10 minutes. This was absolutely fine when I only had Tommy. Cuddling him all day was pretty awesome. I didn't beat myself up if I hadn't had the chance to mop the floor or get the ironing done because Tommy's happiness always came first. But when Isla came along and she was exactly the same as Tommy had been, I really struggled with it. It DID matter that I was sat on the settee all day feeding, it DID matter I couldn't put her down. It DID matter that I couldn't get the chance to do anything else because I also had a little boy that needed me to play, to talk to him, to take him to the park. Weeks and weeks went by of me getting to the end of the day feeling like I'd failed both of them and my husband. I'd failed Isla because she'd been miserable all day, I'd failed Tommy because I'd done nothing with him all day and I'd failed my husband because he came home to a tip of a house and no tea on the table. One day I just thought to myself "This has got to stop. Something needs to change. And so I changed it."
Firstly, what I needed to change was my attitude. I needed to stop being as hard on myself and beating myself up for what I hadn't achieved and start looking instead at what I had. I also needed to start giving each of my children some quality time, on their own with me or together every single day. This is what I've done and I can't believe how much better it's made me feel about things. We're not completely there yet, but we're getting there.
I detailed in my previous blog post our daily routine. Our routine is built upon the fact that Isla is awake in the morning and asleep in the afternoon. So mornings tend to be orientated around baby play and in the afternoon, when Isla has a mammoth sleep (usually around 3hrs!) this is when I spend some quality time with Tommy. During this time, we bake, play, do some phonics, Maths. reading, writing or craft activities, as we're less likely to be disturbed. It's tricky doing many of these things with a screaming child in the background! Don't get me wrong, there are occasions when Isla won't sleep in the afternoon so our routine needs to be adjusted but this isn't often. This doesn't mean that I completely ignore Tommy in the morning and do the same with Isla in the afternoon. To maximise our time, we do lots of activities both children can enjoy together and I'll share these ideas at the end of this post.
I still have days of feeling like I've not done enough with at least one of my children, but things are much better than they were. I still feel guilty when I'm doing an activity with one child and the other is left to play on their own but I really shouldn't. Babies and children do not need constant stimulation; they need time to play on their own, to chill out, to watch TV, to play games, to be able to occupy themselves without being guided by an adult.
How to we maximise our time together during the day:
- Tommy and Isla have baths on alternate nights. I also tend to bath Isla on days Tommy is at nursery, so that it frees up time in the evenings to spend with them.
- do activities both of them can enjoy together (I'll put these at the bottom of his post).
- One child each - Daddy takes one child out/does so,etching with one child whilst a mummy has the other. That way, both children are getting some 1:1 time. Or we all go out together - take the dog for a walk or something.
- I do all housework in the evening. Occasionally I'll squeeze in half an hour, but generally all my time during the day is spent with our children. I just prefer it that way.
- focus the majority of the time Isla is awake on her and then use Isla's nap times for 1:1 time with Tommy.
- use breastfeeding times to do jigsaws, read books, play board games with Tommy.
- involve Tommy in looking after Isla, helping me bath, change, feed her etc.
Activities toddlers/babies can do together:
- Bubbles - Tommy loves to chase after, blow them and pop them, Isla likes to watch them
- build a den. Even better with lights, cushions and blankets in!
- Storytime. Tommy reads to Isla or I read to them both.
- Song/dance time. Tommy sings to Isla or I sing to them both.
- Swimming - Isla is a real water baby and Tommy is learning to swim. We all go as a family, so one parent can go on the slides with Tommy.
- Trips out to the zoo/aquarium/park.
- Playing with balloons.
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